June 20, 2007

Marriage fucks with your mind

Seriously...fuck. Every other fucking week one of you (my friends) gets married.

First off, congratulations...but you're way too damn fucking young to even know what you're getting yourself into. "Soul mate" my ass, after a year of struggling through life trying to get by and supporting your baby (which you do have by the way because you're a horny bastard/bitch and getting married makes your parents proud).

Confused as to why I'm pissed? Let me take you on a magical journey...

Once upon a time I had lots of friends in high school. Then, when they went out into the "real world" and got jobs the fun times started. Alcohol and bitches flowed like puss from our high school-age zits. Then some dumb fuck who used to be my friend goes,

"Man this is the life, but being on my own for a year is enough to make me wanna settle down. I think I'll get married right now and bypass dates and all that shit and go for the gold!"

Ok...a year isn't that long...but you wanna get married immediately afterwards? Little do you know, but you are sealing your fate. so far every single one of my friends who has gotten married has had the life sucked out of them by the vampiric canines of their spouse. I don't know what it is about "Soul-mates" these days but apparently they suck the cool out of you too. Oh...and your obligation to not be a pussy towards your friends.

Almost all of my friends who have gotten married have asked me to attend the wedding. I declined because usually their spouse was questionable to begin with. Let me tell you, their true form comes out as soon as one of them pops the question and the other accepts. So far most of my friends have turned into pussy-whipped shells of their former selves.

My advice to you: remember this acronym...

STUB - Stop, Think, Uterus, Boobs.

Stop. Think about what this relationship is going to do to you and your friends. Choices like this are set in stone (unless you get a divorce, but then you're just retarded). Remember: as a wise man once said, "Bro's before Hoes." Turns out this is true, if you leave all your friends for some chick she better be fucking wonder woman otherwise you're gonna regret that all your friends think you're a bigger pussy than your significant other.

Think. Is what you should be doing if you either one of you is even considering marriage. Another wise man once said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?". I don't fully endorse this one, but I'm having second thoughts with all the shit going around right now. This marriage shit fucks with your minds for some odd reason. Ever heard of a one-night stand? Same pleasure, shorter time span, and you keep your friends!

Uterus. The thing that becomes your worse nightmare when you get your fucky fucky on with no restraints because you're married. Apparently it turns this "NO FLY ZONE" into a giant fucking target. You get married because you wanna have sex and then you make a boo boo and out pops Junior. I hope all those nights you snuck us free food from McDonald's pay off because you're gonna be there a lot, and we probably won't be there.

Boobs. Are good, but not when they devour your soul. Think about it in the long-run. Don't let mouth-watering breasteses get in the way of your friends. Boobies are always there, but friends may not always be. And think about it, if you could choose between friends, and boobies, which would you choose. Wait. Fuck that, that's horrible. If you could choose between friends, and being thrown into Jurassic Park, controlled by Nazi's, naked, with a T-Rex and some fat black chick threatening to kill you if you don't sign the child support papers, which would you chose? Thought so.

Anyway, the moral is stop getting married. Stop asking me to come to your wedding when we're never gonna talk again anyway because afterwards you're gonna be as fun as a box of hair. Stop getting offended that I don't agree with you because I DO know what happens...you're not the only one of my friends getting married, I could write a book about this it happens so often now.

To those of you who are married and I still like: Awesome.