February 13, 2007

When everyone is against you, are you right?

I've been dealing with some issues lately that piss me right the fuck off. Those issues are people, and how much their mindsets have changed.

In this matter, I categorize my life into a few different sections: when everything was new and exciting, teenage depression, adult maturity, and now - utter confusion.

Some things that have occurred lately have made me reconsider ideas and actions in my life. I realize that I am a lot less friendly then I used to be, I have less friends then I used to, and I'm not as social (which may translate to not as exciting) as I used to be.

I've tried to think about whether or not this is my fault or if it is because the company I surround myself with does not seem to care anymore. So far I see it like this: I can be the coolest person around when I have a reason to be, but I am a very inspiration-driven person; if I'm around the same old thing all the time and nothing exciting happens I tend to shutdown.

I also think that my personality shift after high school might freak some people out. I am fucked up in the head, and I acknowledge that, and if you have a problem with it you should at least tell me rather then give me the cold shoulder.

I'll be honest, deep down I think I am a good person, but most of the time I'm too pissed off to show that and people get the wrong impression about me. I've tried so hard to get my self-esteem back after so many years of taking other peoples shit that now it seems to be backfiring and scaring people away. I think I need to find a happy medium.

I'm getting to the point where it seems most of my friends don't give a flying fuck about me and the last few girls I've hung out with weren't really too interested, probably because I didn't show much to them. I'm so used to just having stuff fed to me on a platter, that now that I can't get any it has me in a weird state of mind.

Another thing: I talk a lot when happy, and none when pissed. Lately I've been trying to sit back and let other people contribute a bit, for purposes of being a better listener like I used to be and because I want to see if they actually DO have anything to say. As of late I've been sorely disappointed.

I need a change...whether it be friends, attitude, or whatever, I'm getting tired of the same old shit all the time. Not to boast, but I deserve better. I'm starting to get so tired of it I can feel what's left of my sanity slowly slipping away. I wonder if NASA is hiring...

Anyway, if think you fall into these categories, feel free to leave me a message and we can talk about it. Consider this: if you are one of these people and don't send me a message you might as well just remove me from your friends list now. Incentive enough?

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