I've been dealing with some issues lately that piss me right the fuck off. Those issues are people, and how much their mindsets have changed.
In this matter, I categorize my life into a few different sections: when everything was new and exciting, teenage depression, adult maturity, and now - utter confusion.
Some things that have occurred lately have made me reconsider ideas and actions in my life. I realize that I am a lot less friendly then I used to be, I have less friends then I used to, and I'm not as social (which may translate to not as exciting) as I used to be.
I've tried to think about whether or not this is my fault or if it is because the company I surround myself with does not seem to care anymore. So far I see it like this: I can be the coolest person around when I have a reason to be, but I am a very inspiration-driven person; if I'm around the same old thing all the time and nothing exciting happens I tend to shutdown.
I also think that my personality shift after high school might freak some people out. I am fucked up in the head, and I acknowledge that, and if you have a problem with it you should at least tell me rather then give me the cold shoulder.
I'll be honest, deep down I think I am a good person, but most of the time I'm too pissed off to show that and people get the wrong impression about me. I've tried so hard to get my self-esteem back after so many years of taking other peoples shit that now it seems to be backfiring and scaring people away. I think I need to find a happy medium.
I'm getting to the point where it seems most of my friends don't give a flying fuck about me and the last few girls I've hung out with weren't really too interested, probably because I didn't show much to them. I'm so used to just having stuff fed to me on a platter, that now that I can't get any it has me in a weird state of mind.
Another thing: I talk a lot when happy, and none when pissed. Lately I've been trying to sit back and let other people contribute a bit, for purposes of being a better listener like I used to be and because I want to see if they actually DO have anything to say. As of late I've been sorely disappointed.
I need a change...whether it be friends, attitude, or whatever, I'm getting tired of the same old shit all the time. Not to boast, but I deserve better. I'm starting to get so tired of it I can feel what's left of my sanity slowly slipping away. I wonder if NASA is hiring...
Anyway, if think you fall into these categories, feel free to leave me a message and we can talk about it. Consider this: if you are one of these people and don't send me a message you might as well just remove me from your friends list now. Incentive enough?