March 26, 2007

King Kong and why it blows

So I just watched King Kong for the first time today and my mood is thus: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

My mostly-construcive and unbiased review:

This movie starts off great, giving you a great feel for the era and makes the characters believable and realistic. (If the following isn't completely accurate it's because I don't like the movie enough to care and am still in shock from the Shit-Ballistics fired in my general direction.)

Carl Denham (Jack Black) is directing a movie about a couple sailing off to an unknown island where adventure and romance ensue. He gets two young actors,  Ann Darrow and some other guy, to be the stars of the movie. He gives the storyboard to his employers and they hate it. So he risks everything he has to find a hidden island he deems perfect for the location of his film.

So they sail to this island, finding it desserted, and begin filming. Shortly thereafter they encounter a tribe of crazy people who apparently worship a beast they refer to as "Kong". They take Ann and offer her as a sacrifice to this Kong. he takes her off to his lair and holds her captive.

The boat and filming crews show up and ward off the natives and then cross over a huge wall fencing off most of the island containing Kong. They set off to rescue Ann, while encountering pre-historic type animals and insects such as dinosaurs, giant insects, etc...all the while Carl is filming like mad thinking he is going to get millions off the footage he is getting.

So people start dying and Kong starts to like having Ann around and he protects her from all the crazy things on the island. The boat crew have enough and decide to abandon her before they lose more crew, as does the filming crew except for one guy who had developed a crush on her during the ride.

He sets off to go recue her by himself, without a weapon, and somehow manages to find Kong's lair at the top of a mountain and make it all the way there without any trouble. When he finds Ann in Kong's hands both asleep, he wakes her and she barely even wants to leave...

She finaly does but at that moment Kong wakes up and roars, pissing off a bunch of giant bats, who attack giving Ann and her rescuer time to escape. They run all the way back to the wall's door while the crew on the other side await to capture Kong, unkown to Ann.

They make it past the wall with Kong in hot pursuit. He breaks down the door as they rope him and attempt to put him to sleep so they can capture him. They eventually suceed after he kills off about half of them all the while Ann screams and cries at them to leave him alone.

Somehow they manage to load his giant ape ass onto their little ship, and get him all the way back to New York City, and chain him to a stage on Broadway. He goes apeshit (no pun intended), and runs out of there in seach of Ann, destroying anything in his path. She finds him and they just stare at each other for 5 damn minutes while the music gets all emotional and I'm sitting there screaming "I GET IT, MOVE ON ALREADY!"

So he picks her up and climbs all the way to the top of them Empire State building so they can both admire the view while they get shot at by little bi-planes. Anyway, the movie ends with him falling off the building (which is over 1000 feet high), not leaving a scratch upon impact, and Carl saying "It was beauty that killed the beast."

...

I don't understand a damn thing about this movie. Who's the protagonist? Who's good? Who's bad? What's the moral? What's the point?

I swear to God about 30 minutes of the movie is spent focusing on Ann staring with doe-eyes at Kong while he holds her captive like she's his little sex slave. All the animal activists out there must be creaming themselves (and not just because she would look hot in bondage). I don't know about you, but if I was captured by a giant ape on an island filled with blood-thirsty, pre-historic creatues while he fights them off, me in his hand the whole time, I would be a little freaked out and probably thinking about getting off that island.

But alas, I am not a woman and I guess uncapable of understanding her compassion for this beast. I guess if he killed off more than half the crew of the boat I came on, prevented me from escaping, and hauled me up to his den and held me all the time like his favorite toy I would be in love too, assuming I was a woman, of course.

That aside, the physics of this movie make no fucking sense either. First of all, how the fuck did they fit him on the boat? That thing was damaged in the storm during the prior night, and was only slightly bigger than Kong himself. I guess if they kept him tranquilized for the entire trip and didn't encounter any storms or anything along the way it would just barely work. But how the fuck did they get him on the ship in the first place? Push really hard? Get a big stick and slowly bush him onto the side of the ship? Construct a giant Kongapult and launch him onto a giant bullzeye on the center of the ship? I dunno...

What about when they shoot him off the Empire State building? If you drop a penny from that height it will leave a crater, and of course, kill anyone who happens to be beneath it. So he falls off of the very top of the building hardly creating a scratch. Oh wait...that was because we needed to see his poor, innocent face one more time so that it could zoom back to Ann so we could let it sink in that she loved Kong for 100th fucking time. Also, Jack Black had to tell us that it was beauty that killed the beast, although I'm pretty sure that it was because he climbed to the top of a building and the occupants frown upon giant apes breaking it and causing all kinds of rucuss that time of night.

I think you get the general idea...this movie left me in an angry stupor. In sumary; my comments throughout the movie were as follows: "Haha. Hmm. Cool boat. She's hot. Spooky. Ew. He's big. It's like Jurassic Park! Run!!! Ok...Uh...Get on with it. Ok...Ok! I get it! OMFG WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! FUCKING RUN ALREADY DAMNIT! Oh my God...if you love him so much why don't you marry him...How the fuck did they get him on stage? Here we go again...I saw that coming a mile away...What the fuck is it with you and giant apes? Aim for the head fuckers...WHERE THE HELL IS THE BOOM?! NO CRATER?! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH? WHY? WHYYYYYYY?!"

*sigh* if I missed something please tell me. This movie makes about as much sense as a screendoor on a battleship.

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