August 24, 2007

Apathy: the ongoing struggle

So my life as of late has been a sequence of let downs packaged conveniently in the form of my "friends".

I can't seem to understand why life drags on at a snails pace 99% of the time, then out of nowhere I start to have a good day, then one of my friends ends up causing a catastrophe that ends up making that almost-good day shittier than the rest.

I've had enough of it, in fact, I've had enough of everything. I came into this world with more creativity than some, and a hell of a lot of motivation to follow it up. Now I can rarely concentrate on anything. Every day seems to have more bad than good. My friends get more shallow all the time. If ADD was contagious, I would have caught it.

I don't if it's my fault or not...but it it is I sure as hell don't try. It doesn't help that my family is and probably always will be dysfunctional. All this shit happening at once is too much for me. I can't get 3 seconds to stop and try to figure out what's going on, why, and what to do about it.

My sleeping habits are getting worse too. I stay up 'till at least 6am every day...and I'm not even doing anything productive. I just sit here and try to think, but my head fucking hurts.

It would be easy for me to turn this into another "fuck the world" speech that most of the non-emo population would give you, but I don't really feel that way. I actually feel sorry for people for being so shallow. Although I'm usually the one who gets hurt I guess I'm used to it enough that it doesn't phase me anymore.

Well...whatever comes of this, at least I turn 21 in 2 months. Maybe a little excitement is all I need to get out of this. I would hate to have to resort to a girlfriend...as interested as I am in certain girls right now I don't think I could possibly take having my heart ripped out again. You'd probably see me in the news going kamikaze and shooting up a bunch of people.

I suppose that's all for now. I'll just go back to drifting idly within myself hoping that an inkling of motivation will trickle its way inside me so I can actually DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.

To all those people who have been shallow these last few weeks: I hope karma comes back around to you.

To anyone who decides to comment on this: Don't be gay and post stuff like "I hope I'm not one of those people" or "that sucks, we should hang out". Say something intelligent, non-shallow, and HONEST, or I won't listen.

Oh...and don't bullshit me with advice unless you can back it up. I may be able to help people with their own problems, but my therapy doesn't work on me. Chances are neither will yours...I'm too fucking complex for that.

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