March 26, 2007

King Kong and why it blows

So I just watched King Kong for the first time today and my mood is thus: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

My mostly-construcive and unbiased review:

This movie starts off great, giving you a great feel for the era and makes the characters believable and realistic. (If the following isn't completely accurate it's because I don't like the movie enough to care and am still in shock from the Shit-Ballistics fired in my general direction.)

Carl Denham (Jack Black) is directing a movie about a couple sailing off to an unknown island where adventure and romance ensue. He gets two young actors,  Ann Darrow and some other guy, to be the stars of the movie. He gives the storyboard to his employers and they hate it. So he risks everything he has to find a hidden island he deems perfect for the location of his film.

So they sail to this island, finding it desserted, and begin filming. Shortly thereafter they encounter a tribe of crazy people who apparently worship a beast they refer to as "Kong". They take Ann and offer her as a sacrifice to this Kong. he takes her off to his lair and holds her captive.

The boat and filming crews show up and ward off the natives and then cross over a huge wall fencing off most of the island containing Kong. They set off to rescue Ann, while encountering pre-historic type animals and insects such as dinosaurs, giant insects, etc...all the while Carl is filming like mad thinking he is going to get millions off the footage he is getting.

So people start dying and Kong starts to like having Ann around and he protects her from all the crazy things on the island. The boat crew have enough and decide to abandon her before they lose more crew, as does the filming crew except for one guy who had developed a crush on her during the ride.

He sets off to go recue her by himself, without a weapon, and somehow manages to find Kong's lair at the top of a mountain and make it all the way there without any trouble. When he finds Ann in Kong's hands both asleep, he wakes her and she barely even wants to leave...

She finaly does but at that moment Kong wakes up and roars, pissing off a bunch of giant bats, who attack giving Ann and her rescuer time to escape. They run all the way back to the wall's door while the crew on the other side await to capture Kong, unkown to Ann.

They make it past the wall with Kong in hot pursuit. He breaks down the door as they rope him and attempt to put him to sleep so they can capture him. They eventually suceed after he kills off about half of them all the while Ann screams and cries at them to leave him alone.

Somehow they manage to load his giant ape ass onto their little ship, and get him all the way back to New York City, and chain him to a stage on Broadway. He goes apeshit (no pun intended), and runs out of there in seach of Ann, destroying anything in his path. She finds him and they just stare at each other for 5 damn minutes while the music gets all emotional and I'm sitting there screaming "I GET IT, MOVE ON ALREADY!"

So he picks her up and climbs all the way to the top of them Empire State building so they can both admire the view while they get shot at by little bi-planes. Anyway, the movie ends with him falling off the building (which is over 1000 feet high), not leaving a scratch upon impact, and Carl saying "It was beauty that killed the beast."

...

I don't understand a damn thing about this movie. Who's the protagonist? Who's good? Who's bad? What's the moral? What's the point?

I swear to God about 30 minutes of the movie is spent focusing on Ann staring with doe-eyes at Kong while he holds her captive like she's his little sex slave. All the animal activists out there must be creaming themselves (and not just because she would look hot in bondage). I don't know about you, but if I was captured by a giant ape on an island filled with blood-thirsty, pre-historic creatues while he fights them off, me in his hand the whole time, I would be a little freaked out and probably thinking about getting off that island.

But alas, I am not a woman and I guess uncapable of understanding her compassion for this beast. I guess if he killed off more than half the crew of the boat I came on, prevented me from escaping, and hauled me up to his den and held me all the time like his favorite toy I would be in love too, assuming I was a woman, of course.

That aside, the physics of this movie make no fucking sense either. First of all, how the fuck did they fit him on the boat? That thing was damaged in the storm during the prior night, and was only slightly bigger than Kong himself. I guess if they kept him tranquilized for the entire trip and didn't encounter any storms or anything along the way it would just barely work. But how the fuck did they get him on the ship in the first place? Push really hard? Get a big stick and slowly bush him onto the side of the ship? Construct a giant Kongapult and launch him onto a giant bullzeye on the center of the ship? I dunno...

What about when they shoot him off the Empire State building? If you drop a penny from that height it will leave a crater, and of course, kill anyone who happens to be beneath it. So he falls off of the very top of the building hardly creating a scratch. Oh wait...that was because we needed to see his poor, innocent face one more time so that it could zoom back to Ann so we could let it sink in that she loved Kong for 100th fucking time. Also, Jack Black had to tell us that it was beauty that killed the beast, although I'm pretty sure that it was because he climbed to the top of a building and the occupants frown upon giant apes breaking it and causing all kinds of rucuss that time of night.

I think you get the general idea...this movie left me in an angry stupor. In sumary; my comments throughout the movie were as follows: "Haha. Hmm. Cool boat. She's hot. Spooky. Ew. He's big. It's like Jurassic Park! Run!!! Ok...Uh...Get on with it. Ok...Ok! I get it! OMFG WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! FUCKING RUN ALREADY DAMNIT! Oh my God...if you love him so much why don't you marry him...How the fuck did they get him on stage? Here we go again...I saw that coming a mile away...What the fuck is it with you and giant apes? Aim for the head fuckers...WHERE THE HELL IS THE BOOM?! NO CRATER?! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH? WHY? WHYYYYYYY?!"

*sigh* if I missed something please tell me. This movie makes about as much sense as a screendoor on a battleship.

March 4, 2007

Will the defendant please rise: my defense of Dani

"so, i got what you are about to read from a bulletin that was on the page of a girl that use to go out with my ex boyfriend...for those of you who know me and call me your friend, you might feel the need to express yourself. so please feel free to do so either to me or to the person who wrote this....her web page is www.myspace.com/mburchett
i warn you, it's not a good thing to read, but for those of you who know me, you know the truth, and thats all that matters."




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Okay, the idea is apparently to list 21 things that you want to say to various people, but don't say who they're to. Although I think mine will be very transparent and you will all know who MOST of them are to.

1- "I will be forever yours, my dark prince" This is the biggest load of crap I have ever seen for a few reasons: one: you don't know what forever means, two: you don't have even the slightest inkling of what it means to be faithful or compassionate, three: everything you have ever said to this "dark prince" has been a lie and so has everything you have said to your boyfriend/fiancée(well up until yesterday of course)

Cale: Your hate-filled stab at Dani's personal life is completely null and void of any proof of said events and anyone who supports your claims should shoot themselves right here because you obviously are not going to have anything constructive to say and this is all just going to be you putting on a show for them probably because you haven't gotten laid in a while.

2- You're a whore, everyone knows it, why hide it??

Cale: I know of a few of the relationships Dani has had, and she never cheated, and she never did anything outrageous like steal money or shit like that. I can sense a whore a mile away, and Dani is far from it.

3- You were never going to marry him and you know it, you were just SO adamant on getting my sloppy seconds, you were willing to say and do anything, including spreading your legs and opening your mouth…. You never did get those hand jobs down, did you?

Cale: Sounds like someone jealous...if she did in fact get your "sloppy seconds" then "he" obviously doesn't mean shit to you anyway and the fact that Dani was getting some while you sat in a corner cutting yourself just pisses you right off doesn't it?

4- I feel sorry for you, you poor, poor, loser… she is just gonna screw you over like she did him. It is going to be the funniest thing ever, and I will be there to smile smugly and say "I told you so"…. Just ask the other poor schmuck his name was Doug or maybe the one before that, his name was Kenny.

Cale: I used to have a "friend" just like you...we got along just fine when it suited him. He took the utmost joy in rubbing the shit in my life all over my face, as you seem to be fond of as well. And it's not good to your health to call someone a loser then say you're sorry for them. That kind of shit will end up in the news, and you in a body bag.

5- Some career, you are never going to make more than $30,000 a year…. I however, will be STARTING out making $84,000. The average person in my line of work makes $140,000-$200,000 a year (Note: I am in no way "average")…. I will make more than you will probably ever make in your life…. No matter how you look at it, yours is a dead end job...

Cale: *applauds* I hope you're proud of yourself, when you find away to buy happiness please tell me how it works out for you. This is a coincidence because I've been trained since high school to work in a high-tech high-paying field, but I chose not to because I wanted to build up my social skills first. I make shit for money, but I have friends. It may appear to be a dead end for you, but all the money in the world won't save you if you're just another number at your place of employment.

6-An example to number 5: I haven't even started my career yet and I live on my own and pay my own bills. Everything I have is mine and mine alone. You live with your Mommy, enough said.

Cale: I think you deserve an encore, in the grand play that is your life, you are the sun in the sky, the cherry on top, the middle of the fucking universe. There's this little thing called karma that kicked my ass last year when my friends stole money from me and I got evicted from my dorm, forcing me to move back in with my parents. Shit happens, and when you're time come, you're happy little world is gonna come crashing down around you, and there won't be a god damn person there to save you.

7- Ever heard of a toothbrush? That is that thing you are supposed to use every morning to clean those hard things that are rotting in your mouth… and I supposed that since you obviously haven't, the word HYGENIST doesn't mean anything to you either. You might have to google it… oh ya, and you might consider dentures too…. No teeth is better than the disgusting mess inside your mouth.

Cale: Ever heard of being human? We're all unique, and it's that which defines us. If you want to be the prettiest thing that walked the earth, then that's your cup of tea, but sometimes people just like other people for their personalities and not their physical imperfections. If you wanna play dirty; saying you're an eye-sore is giving you too much credit.

8- If I were you, I would consider investing in a treadmill. You are, by far, one of the heaviest people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. Its no wonder you chickened out of riding the bull… you probably would have broken it.

Cale: About 80% of Americans are obese, and many of them don't care. If that's how you're judging people, you're gonna get in a lot of fights.

9- It is so beyond horrifying to see a mother with a cigarette in one hand and her child's hand in the other. FYI: Second hand smoke is a first hand killer.

Cale: Better than booze or weed, my grandma smoked around me all throughout my childhood. That was her choice, and I didn't approve but I loved her so I overlooked it. While smoking isn't a positive thing to me, it isn't the worst thing in the world. Personally, I find someone who has to bash other people to feel better about themselves just a little bit scarier...

10-Yes, I do have one HELL of a life. Thanks for the compliment. I have someone who loves me more than anyone in the world(rar! Rar!). I have the most awesome dads. I have the most wonderful friends that have ever walked the earth and the best big sisters ever. I have people who look out for me and who I look out for under any and all circumstances. So I have a heart that beats for people, and MANY reasons for living other than myself. Too bad you only have one… according to YOU, not anyone else.

Cale: So you have a perfect life, congratulations. Too bad that doesn't mean shit to the other 99% of the world who would scorn you if you said something like that to their faces. Last I checked it's better to have someone close to you then lots and lots of shallow friends of family members. If they're anything like you, I feel sorry for you the next time you get into shit.

11- Mess up your life? Me? Yeah right, sweetie, you messed your life up on your own… I am just rubbing it in a little. (Oh by the way, this is a perfect example for you, "Dark Prince" because she said, herself, her life with you and without him is a "mess up")

Cale: You're so desperate to see Dani fail, and if she makes a mistake you're rubbing it in her face. If this is the way you treat people your entire fucking life is a mistake.

12- It takes a very special kind of woman (eSPECIALly disgusting) to go a week, and who knows, maybe more, without showering.

Cale: I doubt women knights got to shower much. This is another stab at physical traits. Take a look in the mirror.

13- Once again, I reiterate: What is it with you and idiot losers? Is it that they are easily manipulated? Or maybe it is because their self esteem is so low that they would even consider being with someone like you.

Cale: I'm friends with guys who have dated her, and they think she is great. And she doesn't vacate if things don't work out; she's still friends with them. And no, they do have good self-esteem, so you're wrong.

14-Yes, your future IS looking brighter everyday (in your own diluted world where you are the center of everyone's universe)…. The padded white walls of the insane asylum are really harsh on the eyes, better get some sunglasses.

Cale: So is the light you see yourself in and bask in while you laugh at all those less fortunate than you. Better get some sunblock of you're lively to get your ass burned.

15- What you have isn't real. Much like you aren't real. You are a fake. Everything you say has about as much weight as a passing breeze. And inevitably you will pass on by with the breeze, no one will remember you, you will have no impact on anyone's life. You will be a mirage in the minds of many… No one will remember your name or that you even existed. The pain that you bring will be the only lesson that you will ever administer to those you encounter.

Cale: Not true, I'll never forget Dani. She's never brought pain to me, she's not shallow like a few girls I know. The shallow girls I know are about as mature as you; quick to judge other people and do everything in their power to make them feel like shit because they can. Remember all the people you laughed at when you're old and alone.

16- I find it hard to believe that so much time and effort has gone into pissing me off, since that is the lie you are hiding behind these days. What are you going to behind now? You have lost the one person who could have ever given you a fair chance. The only person that was courageous enough to take a second chance on your sorry ass. The only person who would have stood by you through anything and everything. Now you will see, as I see, just how much of a meaningless void your life really is.

Cale: Apparently you think shit about this person so why do you care in the first place? Jealousy. Did you ever stop to think that you don't need men to find meaning in life? Maybe you should try spending some time without a cock up your ass and see what else life has to offer.

17- How convienient it must be to be as heartless as you are. To be able to pick up and toss aside the only good thing that has ever entered your life. The only person that you would never have to think twice about. The only person whom could be trusted with your life. I hope that this person realizes that he is and ALWAYS has been so much better than you.

Cale: Again, why do you care? I like how you try to sneak in a compliment as if your ass depended on it.

18- He shouldn't be made to feel like he is not good enough… it is you who never deserved him.

Cale: *wah wah wah* You're getting fucking boring. If this guy is SO great, how can he just stand by and watch as you attempt to tear a past love of his to pieces. Maybe he has no integrtity, like you. That would explain why you're even friends at all.

19- She's right, you ARE a nasty whore!

Cale: Fuck you. And her, whoever she is.

20-Actions speak louder than words and it really says something when EVERYONE is glad that you are out of his life and is hoping that you will have the courtesy to stay that way.

Cale: "Everyone" meaning your tightly-knit friends who would turn on you in an instant if you lost whatever status was keeping you in their circle. Keep talking shit while it keeps them entertained, otherwise you better be ready for a hard fall.

21- And now I end this gracefully with---- Eat shit and die fat ass… if the gum disease hasn't attacked your liver already… in which case eating shit won't do anything to anything to speedy up the process. (PS… my brother wants to add: ah ah ah AH!! (this is his call to the wilderbeast!!!))

Cale:
1. Contradiction. Gracefulness and "Eat shit and die fat ass" should never be used in the same sentence.
2. How the fuck does gum disease attack the liver.
3. Eating shit won't kill you.
4. Your brother is a faggot.

Remember what I said about staying close in the little circle of fake friends you have. When you DO end up alone, maybe my words will give you something to think about.